Hey Mom
by cuter-than-a-guinea-pig
Summary: A series of one shots where Kurt visits his mother's grave and tells her about significant moments in his life. Ch1 is about meeting Blaine, Ch2 is about the OS kiss. I hope you like it!
1. Chapter 1 : I Met a Boy

**A/N: Hello gracious readers I wrote this simply to fulfill my need for some sort of interaction between kurt and him mom.I hope you like it and feel free to share your thoughts  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey mom. I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while. I've been busy taking care of daddy. He's doing well or at least a lot better. They have him on this cocktail of pills but the doctors seem to think he'll be good as new in a few months. He has to eat healthier though and exercise more. He was joking around the other day that he's finally going to lose all the weight he put on after you guys got married. It's too bad you won't be able to see him like that again, back in his old glory football days. He claimed that he used to have a six pack but I'm not sure I believe him. Then again, you were gorgeous so he might have needed it in order to win you over. I know you always loved him though, even when he got the beer gut and started losing his hair.

I, uh, I met a boy, mom. Wow, I started to think I'd never be able to tell you that and maybe I still can't because he's just a friend right now but I don't know mom, he's special. He, um, he helped me through some stuff this week. I don't really want to get into it because I don't want to start crying on you…again and it's done now and I'll be ok. I'm not sure I would have made it through this without him though, mom. He just gets it, you know? He understands how alone and helpless I feel. He understands how much it hurts to not be able to change everyone's hate and judgements and how ashamed I feel when I break down at night because I let them get to me. He's just, he's like me, mom and I know it may be stupid that it means this much to me but it just feels like there is finally someone I don't have to hide from.

We're different in a lot of ways too. He's kinda just one of the guys. He likes football and videogames and eating junk food. It shocked me when I found all that out. He was so wise and kind and sweet and caring and yet he can be just as goofy and immature as every other teenage boy. I think I love that about him or in the least, it interests me.

There's a lot I love about him…all in the plutonic sense of course. I love the way he held my hand. Not a minute after we met, without any hesitation, he just grabbed it and held on as he led me down the hall way. He's the first boy to ever hold my hand, mom, the first boy who didn't avoid me like the plague. I loved how he sang to me. He wasn't embarrassed to flirt with me in front of all of his friends. I suppose he was being a good performer, playing to the audience and all, but it still gave me butterflies. I love that he doesn't back away from the hard stuff. He asks me what's wrong if he sees something off. He doesn't just ignore it like everyone else. I love that he's so confident and proud. It's like he's figured this whole crazy mess out and now he can just be happy. It gives me hope that I can figure it out too. I love his eyes. I know that probably sounds a little more than plutonic but it's hard not to love them. They're big and brown but almost a golden colour and they're so expressive. I swear I can see into his soul through them; they're just so bright and honest and warm. They're intense too. He holds my gaze when we talk and you can just tell that he's really interested and actually listening and absorbing what I say. I've never met anyone like him, mom.

I know you'd like him. He's very handsome in a classical way and he oozes southern gentleman. He's from Ohio too though I'm afraid so no drawl but I suppose I can't have everything. His name kinda sounds like that too, you know, like he comes from old southern money. Blaine Anderson. It suits him, a little high class with a touch of boyish charm.

I haven't told daddy about him yet. I don't really know why. It just seems like too much. I don't really want to tell anyone about Blaine because I know there will be questions and I don't really want to be analysed by anyone at the moment. And then of course if he decides that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore there will be more questions and I'm not sure I could handle that. I had to tell you though. I remember you telling me right before you died that I needed to be brave and wait for my prince to come. At the time I obviously didn't get it but ever since I figured it out I've held onto those words. I'm so relieved that you knew and loved me anyway. I don't think I would have made it this far if I had to wonder what you would have thought of me. That's why I had to tell you, because you're always the first to know. And I know Blaine may never be my prince but he's proven to me that they really do exist and that'll keep me going for a while.


	2. Chapter 2 : He Kissed Me

**A/N: Hi everyone so this was originally just going to be a one shot but I was prompted by lilybet29993 to write another one about the first time. I figured if I was going to fill the prompt I should put the OS kiss in between. So this is the kiss and the next chapter will be the first time. I hope you like it !  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey mom. How's your week been? Any new neighbours? I suppose that's a little insensitive. My week was really weird. Pav died. You remember when I told you about him right? I think it was a stroke but I don't really know. I was really upset. Do you think that's odd? I mean he was just a bird. It's not like he was a dog I could cuddle and play with. I did like whistling with him though. Blaine asked if it reminded me of your funeral and I think it did. I think that's why I was so upset because it brought me back to the time when I lost you. Blaine helped me burry him. He's pretty special.

We lost regionals too. That was really horrible watching all my friends win, knowing they get to go to New York, knowing that I truly belong with them. The Dalton boys are great but it's just not the same. It's kinda like home is these days. Carol and Finn are great but it's not the same as it would have been with you. Don't worry though, I don't dwell on that and it doesn't upset me. It's more of an observation I suppose. I hope I can get to that place with Dalton. I don't think I'm being fair to myself otherwise.

Despite all of the sad things, I'm actually pretty happy right now. Something else happened. With Blaine. Blaine, he uh, he kissed me, mom. He kissed me properly, on the lips. It wasn't like the time at the Dalton Christmas party when we were caught under the mistletoe and he kissed me on the cheek, although I think I'll always be fond of that moment. But, no, this was, I don't know, just so real and honest and void of external pressures. I don't know what happened. He made it sound like something just clicked in his mind. That he had wanted this all along but hadn't realised it. I'm so grateful for that click or whatever it was though because I've kinda been walking on a cloud ever since.

It was just so perfect, mom. He told how he felt and then he just stood up out of his chair and leaned in. I've never felt my heart beat faster. His lips were so soft and plump and a little chapped. I think he had been chewing on them because he was nervous which is actually really cute. He blushed and got all shy afterwards and it made me giggle until I realised that I was out of breath and no doubly looked just as flustered. It was so just simple and sweet and true and I think that's what made it so literally breathtaking. I finally felt like my prince had come to sweep me off my feet. It was everything my first kiss should have been.

Blaine and I were talking about that the other day and he said if I could rationalize Brittany's kiss not counting because she was a girl then I should be able to rationalize Karofski's not counting because it was more of an attack then anything. I see his point. I think he just wants to be able to claim my first kiss. I would gladly give it to him too if I believed I could. He deserves it. He deserves it because he really doesn't care who gets it as long as I'm happy.

I am pretty happy. He makes me pretty happy. We're going on a proper date tonight, dinner and a movie. I know that sounds horribly cliché but I think I need a little normalcy in my life. I'm excited for it. I want daddy to question him at the door. I want to link fingers when they meet in the popcorn. I want to pretend to watch a movie while actually watching him instead. I want to play footsie under the table at the restaurant. I want to offer to pay only to have him insist otherwise. I want him to open the car door for me and walk me to the front porch and kiss me goodnight before daddy starts flicking the light. Do you think it's bad that I wish every day that people would finally embrace difference and yet I'm craving societal norm? I'll ask Blaine about it tonight at dinner. At least we can have some sort of significant conversation instead of sitting hopelessly lost in each other's eyes like every other teenage couple. Ha, there, see, different. Maybe I'm not being hypocritical after all.

I still can't believe this is all happening. Everything seems to be going a mile a minute. I think this is the first time I've actually stopped to think about it. Do you think it's a good thing? I mean I want to be Blaine's boyfriend, like actual boyfriend, where we rely on each other and take care of each other and really, honestly love each other. I don't just want the physical stuff because to be honest, that stuff still scares me. I want the friendship we already have to be the foundation for our romance. I know Blaine won't have a problem with any of this; he's just so sweet and understanding and I think he's on a similar page. His friendship is just so important to me, mom, more important than his kisses and perspective cuddles. What happens if we don't work out? Do you think I'm doing myself a disservice by putting our friendship on the line? I like to think I could still be friends with him. I like to think we'll be together forever. It's hard to know though. He sorta mentioned something along these lines when he shot me down on Valentine's Day so maybe I should ask him what changed. See what he thinks. I really value his opinion. He's very thoughtful and wise and good with words. If he has an opinion then he has a solid reason to back it up.

I know he respects my opinion too. The Warblers were totally letting him steal all the lime light so I told him he was being an attention hog and at the next meeting he insisted that they let someone else sing. Of course it had to be me that was chosen and then we lost….that's so not the point though. I really like that he values me and my mind. I know I couldn't be with someone who just thought of me as arm candy because we all know I'm just that good looking.

I should go. I have to make myself look fabulous for my date. I'll come let you know how it went sometime next week. If I bring a tub of ice cream instead of your daffodils then prepare yourself for tears.


	3. Chapter 3 : I Gave Him Everything

**A/N: Hi everyone :) So this is Kurt talking to his mom about his first time, prompted by lilybet29993. I don't know if the original prompt was meant to include the whole episode but I did anyways. I think kurt would have struggled a bit with forgiving blaine and so I wanted to add that. I hope it seems believable in terms of how much information kurt shares with his mom. I hope you like it, especially lilybet29993!  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

**ps: so when i write these i picture kurt lying on his back on the grass beside the grave with his hands behind his head. not that this is important information at all. i just thought i'd share.**

Hey mom. I brought you lilacs today instead of daffodils. I hope you don't mind; I just had a craving. I've been having a lot of cravings lately, some of them I honestly never thought I'd have. It's weird how something that used to never really register can suddenly become the only thing you think about. I suppose this has been building for a while but it never truly hit until Blaine went too far.

I need to talk to someone about this but I'm scared that they'll over react; everyone's so protective of me these days. It's not just daddy anymore but everyone in glee club too. I need to know that I did the right thing. I feel like I did. I don't regret anything. It's just that I told myself that any boy that pushed would be out the door. Blaine was drunk though. Please don't be disappointed in me for forgiving him simply because he was drunk. I know how bad that sounds. I wouldn't let any of the girls get away with it if they let a guy use it as an excuse but it's different with Blaine. Right, mom? It's just he would never have done it if he was sober. We've been together for six months and he's always a perfect gentleman, always. He's never really even indicated that he was actually sexually attracted to me. Honestly, I was beginning to worry about it. I always knew he loved me but he never showed any interested in anything besides kissing and even his kisses were fairly tame. I'm not complaining; I love the way he kisses me. Anyways that's not the point, well maybe it is, I just don't know any more mom. It's not like Blaine has a drinking problem and you know, he only gets like this when he's drunk but he's drunk every night. It's only been twice in a year. That's normal right? He apologised too and it was probably the most heartfelt speech I've ever heard him make so I forgave him. I'm not being dumb and naïve by believing in him am I? I swear I didn't just forgive him because I was scared to be without him or because it was the easiest thing to do. I did it because I know it was a stupid mistake that will never happen again.

That whole fiasco got me thinking more about sex though. I know it's weird talking to you about this and I might not be able to if you were alive right now but I just need to tell someone. Sex just didn't seem as scary when I started thinking about it with Blaine. It felt _right_ and natural which were things it never felt like before. I just love him so much and I knew he would make me feel safe and cherished and that he would truly understand the importance of it. I couldn't picture it not being with him. I know we may not be together forever but I just felt that our relationship deserved that significance. It's like I didn't want to regret it not being with him. I hope that makes sense to you.

It made sense to me though, so I told him I wanted to be with him completely and it was kinda as simple as that. I suppose I shouldn't get into the details; I don't want to you to die on me twice. It was pretty perfect though. We had the whole night because his parents were out of town. It didn't have to be rushed in the back seat of a car or in some dingy motel room. We got to take our time and reasure each other before really exploring and experiencing what it was like to be with the other person. It was like nothing I could have ever imagined. I swear my skin was on fire and my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I could almost feel the blood coursing through my viens. Everything was just so heightned only to be greated by the incredible, by Blaine. It felt amazing and I don't mean just _that_ part but the whole thing. Feeling his hands and lips on my skin, listening to him whisper in my ear, it was simply breathtaking. He looked at me and treated me like I was the most beautiful and precious creature ever known to man. It was a little overwhelming and yet I wouldn't have wanted anything less. I had always thought sex would make me feel dirty and degraded and used but I've never felt more loved and desired and cared for. It may be naive of me but I feel like we have this bond now, that we're conected in a way that nobody else can break.

I hope I was able to make him feel the same. Blaine deserves it more than anyone. He doesn't have a lot of love in his life. His parents haven't come around yet, not that we ever expect them to, and he's away from his friends. I hate how Finn keeps giving him a hard time. It's really uncalled for and probably makes him feel even more isolated from everything he's lost. I wish I could make him see how much I appreciate everything he has sacrificed for me and how amazing he truly is. I tell him all the time but I don't think it really sinks in because he's been beaten down so much. I also think he likes being in the care giving role and so doesn't know how to let me build him back up. He certainly isn't as confident as I once thought but hopefully Friday night will have opened his eyes a little.

It definitely opened my eyes, wide; they were practically glued to his body. I had never realised how gorgeous he was. He's not super jacked but he definitely has muscle. He's got shoulders that are perfect for gripping and abs and pecks that look naturally formed as opposed to the products of countless hours at the gym. I don't exactly know why but I like that better. I also never understood the hip bone thing until Blaine. He's also got these cute little dimples on his lower back that frame his cute little tush perfectly and I swear those are my new favorite thing about him. They certainly make up for that fact that he's short. Everything about him makes up for the fact that he's short. He's just perfect mom.

I don't think I'm going to tell daddy. I suppose I won't lie if he flat out asks but I don't want really want to hear his thoughts on about it all. I know we broke the rules because I slept over. I know to be safe. I know to respect myself and Blaine. I don't need to hear it all. I don't want that night to be treated like I disobeyed him like if I go out with my friends before finishing my homework. It was so much more important and special than that. I know daddy means well but I just don't think he needs to know about this. You better not tell him when he comes to visit. I think he said he was going to come tomorrow. He's been really busy with all the campaign stuff lately so don't be mad at him if he hasn't been by that often; he still loves you. Carol's great and he truly does love her too but I know he'll always be your prince. I really hope that Blaine will always be mine too.


	4. Chapter 4 : He Called Me a Fag

**A/N: Hi everyone! So from here on in the order of these is going to start to jump around a bit. This one is about the "fag incident" (as I have deamed it) in season one. I just want to say that I think Kurt has a point in this in that he holds some of the responsibility but I definitely had kurt take on way too much of it in this. Finn had no right! I think that's how kurt would feel though. I also just wanted to point out the reason I've been having kurt call burt 'daddy'. In my head kurt only calls him that when talking to his mom b/c that's what he called him when she died. I think kurt does it so as to avoid having his mother realise he's growing up and she's missing his life. Obviously that argument in his head isn't a great one but that's just how I picture it. I have plans for two more chapters but after that I'm open to prompts so feel free. Hope you enjoy and sorry for the rambling  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey, mom. How's it going? I bet it's lonely. Even though there are so many others in the ground with you, I bet you feel all by yourself. I bet you feel that way because none of the people down there with you love you the way you deserve to be loved. None of them love you like daddy and I do. We do love you. I know that's not much comfort because we can't hold you and kiss you and we don't even get to talk to you. I know how you feel, mom. I shouldn't because I'm still alive but I really, really do.

He, uh, he called me a fag, mom. Finn did. I guess he directed it more at my stuff than at me but that doesn't really help. I didn't think he would ever do that. It might not have been as bad if it had been one of the other jocks but it wasn't, it was Finn. The one boy in that stupid school that didn't seem to think I was disgusting, the one boy that would actually talk to me. He actually seemed to care about my well being too but I guess that's all shot to hell now because now he thinks I'm just some stupid little fag.

You know what the worst part about this whole mess is? I can't sit back and be the victim because it was my fault. I feel so guilty because daddy yelled at him and every time Finn apologises I just glare at him even though I know he deserves to be forgiven because it was my fault. He feels so bad because he truly does care and really is a nice guy and I just let him feel that way because if I admit to anyone what I did then what Finn said would be true. I'm just some stupid little fag because all I want to do is convert and molest straight guys.

God, mom, I know he's straight. I know. I know he's not going to suddenly switch because I've tried to switch myself countless times. Why couldn't I just let it be? Why did I have to push and push and push and ruin everything? I could see it too. I could always see when I would cross some line because I left my hand on his shoulder too long or something like that and he would get uncomfortable. He would be fine, fine with me, happy to talk to me, and then I would push and he make some excuse to leave. Because he's nice though, within a day he would be fine again. I guess I just went way too far this time though and he finally snapped.

You know what the worst part about this whole mess is? Wait, I already said that didn't I? I guess there are a lot of worst parts. Anyways, the new worst part is that I don't even love Finn or anything close to that. He doesn't inspire me or leave my heart aching in want for more. He doesn't feel like my prince. He actually kinda has Lima Loser written all over him. He's simply just nice and decently good looking. I so desperately push limits for nice and decently good looking. What is wrong with me mom? I shouldn't allow myself to settle for that. I'm not even settling though am I? I'm fighting for it. Oh god, I'm so screwed up. I shouldn't have ruined everything for that. The sad part is, is that there is no one better than Finn, at least not for me.

And not only did I destroy my pathetic excuse for a love life but I took daddy's down with me. I feel horrible about that. He was finally starting to fall in love again and now that's shot to hell too. I'm sorry if hearing about daddy finding someone else hurts. I know you want him to be happy though. I want him to be happy too and that's why I feel so damn guilty about this.

You know he couldn't even hug me after the whole blow up. He patted me on the shoulder. I just got called a fag by the one person who seemed to care. I swear my heart had been shattered into a million pieces by both Finn's words and my own guilt and daddy couldn't even hug me. I think that was the worst part. Oh look, we're back here again. Not only did Finn not love me but it was like daddy didn't either. I know that's not true. He wouldn't have laid into Finn the way he did if he didn't love me but, I don't know, I needed some physical contact with someone to prove that I wasn't too disgusting to receive it.

I know if you had been there you would have held me and let me cry and reassured me that none of this was my fault even though I know it was. You would have held me until the tears stopped and then told me to go have a shower while you went to the corner store by the park to get a liter of mocha, chocolate swirl ice cream and then you would have curled up with me in my bed and watched 'The Sound of Music' with me while we ate it. God, why did you have to die, mom? Daddy tries but he's just not the same.


	5. Chapter 5 : I Made It

**A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry this took so long. I've had midterms and lab reports (which I should actually be working on right now) and general school stress. Speaking of school stress, this chapter is going to be when kurt tells his mom about getting the NYADA letter. I, personally, don't know how to feel about the whole thing. I'm happy for kurt and Rachel but it just seemed way to unrealistic to me. Oh well….that whole episode was kinda ridiculous so I guess it fit. Anyways, hope you enjoy. I'd love to hear from you as always, especially if you have any prompt ideas.  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie  
><strong> 

**Ps. Ginny, I haven't forgotten about your prompt, I just thought I needed a little blaine and a little happy but yours will be next. Hopefully it won't take too long! **

Hey, mom. I, uh, I have news. The letter from NYADA finally came and I made finalist. Mom, I made finalist. I'm so excited and I know I'm not in yet but I get to go to New York and actually audition for them. I can't believe this is actually happening…well I guess it's not happening quite yet but still. This letter just means I'm one step closer to New York, Broadway, my hopes and dreams. I don't think I've ever seem daddy so happy, even when he was goofing around with you. I'm definitely his favorite.

Rachel made it too so we're going to start brainstorming audition songs soon. I totally think she should sing 'Don't Rain on my Parade'. It suits her and she simply knocks it out water. I don't know what I should sing though. I feel like I could nail any song it's just that you only have one shot and I don't know what the judges will be looking for. Do they want to see who I am or do they want a performance? I have time to think about it though and I've got lots of people to give me opinions. I'd love to hear yours though, mom. You always knew the right song for the right household chore. I wish I could hear you sing again. I miss it a lot. I miss you a lot.

I'm going to miss you even more if I actually do get in because I won't get to come visit anymore. Wow, I never thought about that before. I've thought about being away from daddy and Carol and Finn and Blaine but not you. I guess you aren't really here though, are you. I suppose you could be wherever I need you to be. I like coming here though. I think it makes you seem more alive and not just some figment of my imagination that I use to cope with. I have to physically get up and drive across town to see you. You don't just appear out of thin air. I don't know if any of that makes sense or if it's healthy but I suppose that's just how I feel. Who knows though, maybe I won't get in and I'll have another year here. It's still kinda a long shot.

Blaine thinks I'm a shoe in but he's a bit biased. I think he probably believes in me more than you and daddy which is hard to grasp sometimes. I suppose I feel the same way about him but still. It always feels more intense when it's coming from someone else. Or maybe not, maybe that's just me. I know I shouldn't be fretting over this already because I still haven't gotten in but I don't know what I'm going to do without Blaine next year. There's a part of me that kinda wishes I don't get in so that we go to New York together once he graduates. It would be fun to discover the city together. It would make it more of an 'us' thing rather than just a 'me' thing. It's probably good to still have my own things though isn't it? This one's scary though. I don't even know what scares me more, mom, being alone in the big city, the pressure to succeed now that I've actually been given the chance, or the thought that being away from Blaine could hurt our relationship. Blaine's hugs just have a way of making everything better. They're like this all consuming capsule of love and comfort and support. No matter what the problem, and even if his hug won't fix it, having Blaine's arms wrapped around me just helps calm me and ground me and reassure me to the point that I'm capable of fixing whatever mess I'm currently facing. I won't have those arms anymore. I won't have that bright, goofy grin that just warms my heart or those golden honey eyes that have shown me the world. Is it bad that I've grown so attached to him? I mean there is a part of my brain screaming at me to give up on my dreams so I don't have to be without him for a year.

Don't worry though mom, I'm not going to listen to that part. I know it'll be hard but I think he'd be disappointed in me and I don't think I could handle that. I think a big aspect of loving someone is having them inspire you and I think Blaine would lose that inspiration if I stayed. I think that it's that inspiration that will get us through a year apart. Honestly, when I compare Blaine and me to Rachel and Finn, I think we'll be ok. I still don't know what they're plans are but I just can't see them doing the long distance thing. Rachel's too self centered and Finn's just immature. I think whatever inspiration they found in each other here will be clouded by those things once they're apart. I can't see that happening with me and Blaine though, I'm terrified of it but I'm terrified of being pushed out of a plane and I can't see that happening either. Maybe I'm just being young and in love and naïve but I'm allowed to be for another six months, right mom? I'm allowed to live in a fairy tale so that I can pretend that right decision for me is the easiest one.


	6. Chapter 6 : Don't Let Him Die

**A/N: Hi everyone! So this one was prompted by SkewedReality and it's about Burt's heart attack. I hope you all like it and feel free to send me ideas.  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey, mom. It's a nice day isn't it? Clear, blue sky, bright, warm sun, gentle breeze, I bet you miss it all don't you. I remember how you used to lie outside in the hammock, just soaking in the comforting rays while I played. I'm not as big of a fan of the sun as you were but I can appreciate its shine.

You can probably tell I'm stalling, can't you? Well I suppose if the mundane banter about the weather wasn't a big enough clue, you were always able to read me like an open book. I just don't know how to tell you this, mom. I don't want to break your heart because I know this is devastating. Maybe a little sunshine will lighten the load. The sun always cheered me up when you were sick although I think that's just because it made you happier and seeing you happy made the end seem farther away. It's not going to work this time though. For one thing, daddy never seemed to have any particular affinity for the sun and for another he doesn't even know it's s-shinning.

He had, uh…mom, he had a h-heart attack. He was at the garage and he just collapsed and now he's in a coma because he lost blood flow to his brain. I-I'm so sorry mom. I know when you made me promise to take care of him before you died you didn't really mean it, you just wanted me to feel like I had a purpose so it wouldn't hurt as much, but still, I feel like I failed you. I let him eat junk food and drink beer and just sit on the couch when he's not at the shop and now your prince won't wake up.

I don't know what to do with myself. I used to invest so much time into school work to distract from all the stupid jocks but even that seems pointless now. The house just feels haunted and it taunts me when I'm there. It makes me feel like I'm a bad person by not being at daddy's side every minute. It makes me feel so alone because it should be filled with family. It feels so big, like I'm drowning in its emptiness. The hospital is weird too though. It just makes everything seem more real and dire and depressing. It also makes me feel really helpless to sit beside him, holding his hand, and not be able to do anything. He's right there and I can't fix it.

I've always been able to fix it, mom, ever since you died. I'd make him that pasta dish you used to make and I'd bring him a beer. I'd watch football with him and try to actually engage in it. If he was sick, I'd make sure he had medicine and soup and cold cloth for his head. I feel like I need to be doing something. I can't just sit around and wait for him to die.

All my friends think that's exactly what I should do, sit back and leave it to the hands of god. I don't think I've ever hated my 'friends' more. The last thing I need right now is to jump into a religious debate and have them all mad at me because I openly refute the existence of this all mighty, hypocritical, homophobic, sexist, rapist as well as his illegitimate son. Why should I believe that some guy who condemned me to hell is going to make everything better? Why don't my friends see that? It's because they've been brainwashed, that's why, brainwashed by Sunday dresses, and gospel choirs, and all the wine they drink under the pretence that it's blood. That, by the way, is just wrong on so many levels.

It's weird because I know I come here and talk to you like you can actually hear me but I know you can't. I know there is no heaven and that your beauty is rotting away beneath me right now but that's too hard to think about so I pretend. I pretend in my way though, not the way some stupid book written 2000 years ago tells me to. I do it for me, not so other people can look at me and think I'm such a good person because I love jesus. Sometimes I do it simply because I just need to talk things out, to get them clear in my head, and people don't look at you like you're crazy if you do it here. I haven't really had anyone to talk to this week. I never really talk to daddy but at least I knew he was always there if I needed him. The last time I felt this lost was when you died and he was there. He simply took my hand in his because he knew he would break down if he held me. That was all I needed though because it showed me that I wasn't alone and he would help me get through it. I've held his hand every day at the hospital. I just want to feel him squeeze back again.

P-please don't let him d-die, mom. I know you want to be with your prince again b-but just let me have him for at least a f-few more years. H-he's the only one I have.


	7. Chapter 7 : Have Courage

**A/N: Hey guys! Not much to say today. Hope you enjoy, let me know.  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey mom. Your week's been pretty busy, hasn't it? I know daddy and I don't usually visit this often. It's hard sometimes. I also find that my life is pretty consistent, endless disappointment in mankind, the occasional devastating blow, and the once in a blue moon tiny light of hope. Not much to tell. That little light is going fairly well, by the way. He still calls to hang out and we text back and forth. He took me to some local production of 'Rent' the other day. It wasn't a date or anything but it was really fun and really nice and I'm just really happy he's in my life now. Don't tell Mercedes, but I think he's giving her some competition in the best friend department. I actually talked to him about some of the stuff I wanted to talk to you about today. Don't worry though; you're still the first to know. Daddy came by a few days ago to tell you, or at least I'm pretty sure he did. We don't ever mention coming to visit you to each other. Anyways, he better have talked to you about this or he's going to be in big trouble.

So, he's getting married, mom. Remarried. It's kinda put me on this roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts but I think I've settled on happy. It's hard not to be happy when you can finally see the little light in his life return. It's been gone since you past away. I wouldn't say he's been depressed or even sad. Obviously, he has his moments but for the most part he's been content. I truly think having me to look after has helped him through it, given him a purpose, a distraction, a something to hold onto. I know he's been lonely though but Carol's fixed that. She gave him that little light back.

She's pretty great, you know? I mean, she raised Finn all by herself and we all know that couldn't have been an easy task. She also let Quinn stay with them when her parents kicked her out for getting pregnant. I'm not sure many people would have done that. She's just really kind and sweet and I think that fact that her husband died too makes her an even better match for daddy. I know they truly love each other but I think because of the similar pasts, they both understand that another person will always own a piece of each other's hearts.

I really like her too, mom. It's probably mostly to do with the fact that she's a girl and we have similar interests. We've only really talked about superficial things so far like tv shows or celebrity gossip or fashion trends but it's actually been kinda nice. I don't think I'll ever be able to really think about her as my mom, maybe an aunt or something. It'll probably be easier for Finn to think of daddy as his dad because Finn never knew his father but I had eight years with you and those are never going away.

This whole thing has made me think about you a lot more. I've been thinking about what it would have been like if you hadn't died. It's made me miss you more than usual. Daddy took Carol out for dinner the night they got engaged and as they were leaving she fixed his tie for him and I couldn't help thinking that you should be the one doing that. I never had a problem when they were just dating, not that I have a problem now, it's just now that their getting married it really feels like he's replacing you. I guess maybe it's because daddy dated other girls before you but he only married you. That was your special thing and now it's not. It's weird because usually I'm happy for him and excited about all this but then some little thing will trigger something and then all I can think about is how much it should be you here and how much I miss you.

Living with Finn should be interesting. He's a really nice guy and I think we're both kinda over all the _stuff_ from last year. It's funny how easy a crush can go away once the person calls you a fag. It was something I'd been trying to get over for months and then it was gone, just like that. He's a decent friend though now and I'm sure his less than intelligent antics will be highly amusing so this could be fun. I know daddy's going to shove the '_Kurt's your little brother now so you better look out for him_' stuff down his throat so hopefully some of the kids at school might back off. It'll be nice to have someone looking out for me. Blaine's kinda like that.

How are you doing with all this, mom? I know you must be happy for daddy. You loved him and that's what you do when you love someone, you let them find their joy in life even if it isn't with you. I know it must be hard though. Sometimes these eight years feels like an eternity but I know sometimes it feels like just yesterday, just yesterday that it was you that was hugging and kissing daddy and now there is someone else. He needs you to be strong though because he needs this but he would never do anything that would break your heart. As someone special told me recently, have courage, mom.


	8. Chapter 8 : When Can I Be His Prince?

**A/N: How's everyone doing? I hope that was a 'good'. So this chapter was prompted by SkewedReality and it's about prom or I guess more the leadings up to prom. If anyone has any prompts they'd like to see, don't be shy. I'd also just love to hear your thoughts in general.  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey mom. How are you doing? It's getting hot now. I bet the six feet of dirt keeps you pretty cool. I know you always liked the sun and the heat but I could definitely use your natural air conditioner right now. You know what heat means though…summer, summer and the end of school, end of junior year, and prom. I always had very mixed feelings about prom. I liked the idea of it but I was always so worried that I'd miss out because I didn't have anybody that I kinda dreaded it. I've been really looking forward to it these past couple of months though because I have Blaine. I never thought he'd have a problem with being my date.

I'd never have guessed that something like that had happened to him. He seemed to have it so together, not that this means he doesn't, it's just so tragic and sad that I find hard believe that he could ever be happy after that, you know? How can you be ok after something like that? That night just sounded so special to him. He had just come out, finally been able to lift the lead weighted mask and not have to hide within his own skin. It's like finally being able to breathe again. It's just simple relief that washes a calm over you because that's like the final hurdle and now you can just be happy. Or at least that's how it feels, reality is slightly different. And he went with his best friend mom; that's just the cutest thing I've ever heard. I can just picture them dancing together in their matching bowties and Blaine being all shy because this would be the first time he'd been able to do that with a boy. It would have been so perfect and precious and then those idiots had to go and ruin everything. How could someone take something so special away from someone like Blaine; he's so sweet and genuine and just a warm hearted person. I don't get it.

You know what I also don't get, mom? Why hasn't he told me about this before? I basically spilled my guts to him within a week of meeting him. I told him about all the Finn drama and that week I dated Brittany, about all the bullying, Karofsky, about you and daddy, and just insecurities and fears I have in general because I'm gay. I feel like he knows everything about me, all the sore spots, all the ticks and quirks and flaws. I don't think it's a bad thing. I love that he knows all of it because he always know what I need. I suppose he told me that he was bullied too and he always says he understands but he never talks about his own insecurities or daemons. Naively, I used to think he just didn't have any but now it's like he just doesn't trust me with them. I don't know why he wouldn't? I'm not one to judge to begin with but especially not with Blaine. And for me, being able to talk to him always makes me feel better; it's always like that calm resettles. Why doesn't he feel the same? Even with this, Blaine just did what he always does. He just said they 'beat the crap' out of them. He never said how bad it was or what happened to his friend, how his parents reacted, how it affected him besides how if made him afraid of going to another school dance with a boy. I get that he likes to take care of me and all, likes to be the strong one, but I want to be able to be there for him too. I want to feel needed too.

I'm also a little confused about what I should wear too. I know, who would have thought, right? It's just I made this kilt, on your old sewing machine by the way, and I love it and I want to wear it so bad. It's just so me and so perfect but daddy and Blaine think it will cause trouble. To be honest, if it was just me going, I wouldn't care and would wear it anyway but after what happened to Blaine, I want to make sure he feels comfortable and nothing else happens. I really care about him and I know he would do anything for me but I feel like if I don't wear it then I'm letting those stupid Neanderthals win. The last time we spoke, he said he would go with me and that he loved my kilt but I could tell he was hesitant, that he was saying it because it was the right thing to say. Am I being selfish and stubborn and stupid or do you think this is the right thing to do?

This dance is just becoming so stressful. It's almost not worth it. I offered to just make a movie date night out of the whole thing instead after Blaine told me about the Sadie Hawkins thing but he said he wanted to go with me. I'm starting to think that might be the best option though. I mean prom is supposed to be this magical night and honestly I already feel like I'm in some fairy tale when Blaine takes me out. Even on the most clichéd dates, Blaine makes me feel special so maybe we don't need prom. Maybe if it's causing this much drama and stress it would be better just to skip it. Blaine looks like a prince without the tux anyways.

If we don't go though, then they win, don't they? We let the taunting and fear keep us away from something we want to do, something we should be entitled to do. I don't know how hard I should push Blaine to do this. I don't know if this will be something that helps him clear that lump in his throat or if it's just some stupid thing that's keeping him up at night unnecessarily and won't do anything to help in the long run. Maybe this is how I can be his prince though. Maybe if he won't tell me everything, it's my job to take what I do have and run with it. Maybe if I help him with this it will help him trust me enough to open up more.


	9. Chapter 9 : They Were Right

**A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry this took a long time. I got caught up working on some one shots. So this is a continuation of the last chapter. I wasn't planning on writing it but I had a request from lilybet29993 and it was the original prompt from SkewedReality so here it is. Hope you like it!  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey, Mom. Sorry I'm late. I slept in a bit this morning. I guess I was tired from the dance. It was….eventful.

They were right, mom. Daddy and Blaine were right about everything; people are as ignorant and spiteful and moronic as ever. I went ahead with everything. I wore my kilt and I took Blaine and we had matching boutonnieres. I honestly didn't think people would care. I always kinda thought they hated me because they were just generally bored. You know, they had nothing better to do so they harassed they gay kid. That's why I went ahead with it all; I thought we were going to be fine because everyone would have been just so preoccupied with their own night that they honestly wouldn't care. Why did they have to care?

I don't get it. Why would they spend so much time organising it all instead of just dancing with their friends and dates and ignoring us or shooting us the occasional scathing look. I can handle scathing looks. What I can't handle is being voted prom queen. That's what they did, mom. They all wrote my name down on that stupid clichéd, self-hatred inducing ballot and stupid principal Figgins actually went with it instead of just randomly picking one of the girls and pretending that they had won. I mean, how hard is it to just say 'Quinn Fabray' even though the piece of paper says 'Kurt Hummel'? I bet he's one of those people who can't do that game where you have to say the colour not the word or you know, is just incapable of stopping and thinking for a minute before blindly following the crowd.

It could have been worse. I know that. It still hurt though. It could have just been some stupid thing but for some reason it just hit me so hard. Maybe it was because I was so shocked. Maybe it was because I had to admit that daddy and Blaine were right, that people aren't actually changing. Maybe it was because I had promised Blaine that it would be fine and then all of a sudden it wasn't. I don't know….it was just humiliating. I just wanted to disappear. I know I have 'girly' tendencies but I'm still a boy. Sometimes I like spending time with the girls but sometimes I just do it because I know the boys want nothing to do with me. I want to be a boy. I'm not transgendered, I just…..I don't know how to explain it. I shouldn't have to explain it. I should be allowed to be whatever and not be degraded for it.

I am a boy though. I get protective over the girls. I'm independent and don't like asking for help. I'm good at just sucking it all up. When Blaine was talking about getting beat up all I wanted to do was punch those idiots who did that to him in the face. Those are all very masculine qualities. And Blaine likes me. He's gay; he wants a boy and so if he likes me than I have to be a boy.

I've always been a little scared of that. When I'd think about the kinda guy I liked I always thought of the very masculine looking guys, tall, toned, strong, athletic. I always kinda wanted a guys guy. A guy who could wrap me in his arms and make everything better but I wanted to be able to do that for him too. I want to be his rock too. I want to be his man too. And then this whole thing where Blaine hasn`t been telling me everything….I`ve just been feeling like I`m so far from everything that I want that I`ve worried no one will want me. When they called my name I thought that maybe Blaine would suddenly realise that I wasn't 'man enough' for him. Oh and then I had to run out and cry like a girl which just made me feel worse.

Blaine followed me though and let me cry it out and rant about how everyone sucks and then stood by my decision to go back in and get crowned. I think school on Monday would have been worse if I had just left instead of standing up in front of everyone while stupid principal Figgins put a tiara on my head. God, I felt so naked up there, in front of all those people who just wanted to see me fall, wanted to rub all their hate into my exposed sore spots.

Blaine made it better though. I have no idea how he managed it but by the end of the night I felt safe and happy and almost sad that it was over. I guess it was when he danced with me, in my kilt, with my tiara, in front of everyone. He just took me hand and held me close. We hadn't danced all night. I could tell he was still nervous so I decided not to push. In that moment though, he could tell I needed it and he just found the courage somewhere in the crowd of cowards and asked me to dance. It was what I needed. It was exactly what I needed. I needed the reassurance that he still wanted me and hadn't come to the realisation that I was too much of a girl. I needed those warm golden eyes to look at me with that adoring gaze so that I knew I wasn't hated by the whole world. I needed his strong frame to keep me from crumbling in shame. I needed his body heat to stop me from shaking. I needed his infectious smile so that I could smile and laugh and be happy again. I needed him so that I didn't have to think anymore because it was getting too painful. I needed him so that everybody there could see that the most gorgeous boy in the world thought I was still amazing. I needed him to be my prince and he was.

We never left the dance floor after that. I swear Blaine was getting bouncier and happier with each song. I think this actually may have helped him or maybe he was just trying to make me laugh. Either way I was sad when they started playing the last song. It was a slow song. Blaine and I had never danced to a slow song before. It was nice, really nice. I rested my head on his shoulder and just relaxed into him. He smelt like saw dust and peppermint. He always smells like that. It's really soothing. I kinda wish there were more dances so we could do that more often. I guess that means some good came out of it. I guess that means they were only sorta right. I just wish that the good didn`t have to be proceeded by devastation.


	10. Chapter 10 : What Do I Do?

**A/N: Hey guys….well I'm assuming mostly gals but anyways….i'm sure that those of you who read all of my stuff will be a little sick of the slushy incident by now but it seems I'm still enraged enough about it to come up with more stuff so I put it here. Did you see the new warblers performance? Blaine is cheering them on! What the actual fuck? I also kinda wanted to include this b/c **_**AngelisIgniRelucent **_**suggested I do something about Sebastian. I know this wasn't her original idea but I definitely wanted to honor her in some way for simply being one of my most loyal readers! I hope everyone enjoys it. Feel free to leave prompt ideas  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie **

Hey, mom. How's life treating you? Schools been pretty exciting. Mr. Shue asked Ms. Pillsbury to marry him. She said yes, of course. Unfortunately he had to plan this big elaborate proposal which involved me in swimming trunks, with wet hair, in a pool, in front of people. I was not impressed. Blaine looked pretty cute though. I swear that boy is like a puppy. It was like he'd never seen water before in his life and he was bouncing all over the place, grinning like an idiot. I miss his grin.

I haven't seen it in a few days. He's been in the hospital and he has to have eye surgery. That's not why he's sad though. He's sad because it was his friends that put him there.

I don't know why he puts up with Sebastian. I know he's not interested in him in any way but he still talks to him. I don't get it. Doesn't he see the way Sebastian looks at him like he's some piece of meat? Doesn't he see that Sebastian doesn't care about him in the least and is only looking for his next drunken, horny, hook up that he can just dump the next day? I don't see why Blaine humors him. He's so touchy about that stuff as it is. He almost got into a fist fight with Sam when Sam insinuated that his only worth was his ability to sell his body to the judges. I know Blaine doesn't know what Sebastian's said about me. The little twerp seems at least smart enough to not say that stuff in front of Blaine. He knows Blaine wouldn't have anything to do with him if he knew the truth. I hope that's the case. Although I was truly surprised when Blaine said they talk so who knows. My guess is that Sebastian always initiates it and Blaine being his dapper self doesn't know how to stop it. Hopefully he'll use this horrible mess as a good excuse. I don't know how he couldn't. I'm scared he won't though. I'm scared that he loves the rest of those boys too much to not forgive them and will therefore include Sebastian in the mix simply because he's a Warbler; he's part of the team. They kinda do function like one being.

I don't know if I want him to forgive the boys. That one's tough. I mean, they got together and hashed out a plan to throw a slushy in my face and then walked away from Blaine while he was screaming on the ground in pain. It was scary, mom. He was screaming and writhing around in the fetal position and was too worked up to tell us what was wrong. I tried to hold him, calm him down, but I was so shaky. We were all so lost on what to do but we could tell it was his eyes. It wasn't like he broke his arm; it was those beautiful golden eyes. All I remember was the sound of him screaming and the girls crying softly and then that deafening siren of the ambulance. God, I hate hospitals. Everybody met us there though to make sure he was ok. I'm so glad they came. I couldn't stand to break down in front of all of them. They kept me strong. The Warblers never showed up, they never called or texted. They just walked away like they didn't care, like they wanted to hurt him. I know they didn't. They didn't know about the rock salt and they thought I was the target so how could they just walk away and not even call when everything went so wrong?

I think he needs them though, mom. I think he needs them on his side because they know so much and it's scary to think of them suddenly becoming the enemy. It'd almost be like if we turned on each other. Karofsky would look like child's play if Blaine decided to use all my demons, all the things I told him in secret and in trust against me. If we do ever break up, it'd need to be amicable or I would die in fear of him unleashing those dark parts of my mind back on me. I don't think he'd ever do that; I'm just saying. We didn't think they would ever do it either though. Don't think it slipped past me that they picked a slushy to throw at me, something that's a sore spot from when I brought a change of clothes to school every day because of it.

I think that's why he'll end up forgiving them though. So many people have turned on him and if he had to add the Warblers to that list, I don't think he'd ever be able to trust again. I think he also just really likes them. They're his boys. They're like Rachel and Mercedes to me but even more so. No, you know what they're like? They're like what Blaine was to me when we first met. He just brought the hope and joy and comfort back and that's what they did for him. He gets along with the guys at McKinley but it's not the same. I know he misses them and I know he was scared of losing them when he transferred. That was the biggest thing holding him back and I can see him just moving past this so he doesn't have to admit that it happened.

I know this is probably selfish of me but because of all that I kinda hope he can forgive them. I asked him to transfer. I know he said he wanted to but I really don't think he would have if I hadn't asked. But now, because he did transfer, if he doesn't forgive them, than he loses them because of me. He just looks so heartbroken and lost and I can't help but think that if he had stayed at Dalton he'd still be that happy little puppy. I don't know how to help. I even offered to have him teach me how to play guitar and shot me down. He loves his guitar. And I don't know if I should encourage forgiveness of finding ways to be strong without them. Uggg, I'm just so mad at them. How could they do that to him? It's Blaine, the boy who's so sweet that he jumped in front of that horrid thing to save me.

He jumped in front of me and took the blow himself, mom. I've been slushied countless times and no one's ever tried to save me. Mind you, I'm usually with the girls when it happens and I don't expect them to take it for me. See, I can be chivalrous too. It's not just Blaine. Do remember that time Finn did it? He couldn't do it himself but he selfishly got all the way to me before he chickened out and unloaded all the crap he was getting from all of the stupid jocks about being in glee club. He had the nerve to make me feel guilty about what those Neanderthals say behind my back and what would happen to him if he didn't go through with it. So I did the chivalrous thing; I threw it on myself so he didn't have to. I paused, you know, after I grabbed it from him. I was hoping he would stop me. He didn't. Blaine's the only one who thought that maybe I'd had enough humiliation for one lifetime. Sometimes I think he's the only one who really thinks about me.

That shouldn't be how it works though. We shouldn't have to be each other's one and only. That's a lot of pressure, mom. It kinda scares me because if that truly becomes the case, I don't know how long we can handle it.


	11. Chapter 11 : KK

**A/N: Hey guys. So this one is really, really random, as in not based on something that happened in the show. I apologise if it's not your cup of tea and promise that the next chapter will be back to usual. Basically though, I've had this little head canon going on for a while and I've had a few reviewers from my other fics mention it so I thought this would be a good place to write it all out. My thinking is this would take place sometime near the beginning of last summer. I hope you like it and I know it kinda touches on a lot of things but I can totally see Kurt just letting his mind wander during these moments so I think it still all fits nicely. Feel free to send me prompts if there is a moment you'd like to see!  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey Mom. I brought you your bouquet daffodils today. They had it ready for me today. The girls who work at the flower shop are really sweet. They know my name and who the flowers are for and how often I come to visit. They seem to know daddy too. I think Cherry's still a little sad he got married; apparently he's quite the charmer. You would know that though. You would probably know that better than anyone. He had to win you somehow and he would have been in his prime back then. I bet they have a lot of customers like us. They just seem to know, you know. They could probably double as therapists any day.

I could have used a therapist this week. It's nothing serious but it caught me off guard and I didn't know how to handle it. It's weird because I think I'm usually pretty good at sorting out my feelings and making decisions based on how I feel and how I want to feel but this just threw me a bit. Like I said though, it's nothing serious which makes it even stranger. I've dealt with things so much bigger than this it's not even funny and yet this stupid little thing has put me on this roller coaster of emotion and thoughts and I just don't know.

Blaine called me 'KK'. We were texting the other night, like we always do. His dad had made some comment and Blaine just needed to rant about it for a bit. As we were saying goodnight though, for some reason, instead of typing 'Kurt', he typed 'KK'. I kinda froze when I saw it and yet at the same time my head went everywhere. I hadn't heard it in nine years. I hadn't heard it from anyone but you, daddy never even called me that, and then there it was. It made me really sad because, I mean, that was your thing and I don't want anyone taking that away. There aren't a whole lot of things I have that are ours, you know. I still have 'The Sound of Music' VCR tape even though we practically wore it through and daddy bought me the DVD for Christmas last year. I still have your oven mitts too. They're starting to fall apart so I only use them when I'm baking one of your recipes. Unfortunately, I seldom get to do that anymore due to daddy's heart attack. I've had to find all new low fat recipes and even though I tell daddy they're just as good, they're really not. I remember the first time you let me wear them to take the cookies out of the oven. You were so scared I was going to burn myself that you went and got the ice pack out of the freezer so it was ready to go. I was fine though. I also have the letter you wrote to me before you died. You called me 'KK' in it and I've almost rubbed all the ink away from the first time you wrote it because I can't help but touch it every time I read it. I should probably type it out or photocopy it or something because it's covered in tear stains and the ink is fading. I know it wouldn't be the same. You wouldn't have actually touched the paper and the discolouring in the bottom right hand corner wouldn't actually be from your tear. Maybe it's my imagination but I swear it still smells like your perfume too. I just don't want ever lose those words.

I don't know if you know how much I loved when you called me 'KK'. It made me feel so special because I was the only person in your life that got a nickname. I'm sure you had one for daddy too but we can just ignore that. And I loved that it was only you. I was a bit of a momma's boy, as I'm sure your well aware of, and it just made our bond seem stronger. I guess it feels sacred. I know that that probably sounds dumb but the thought of other people using it, seems to taint it, you know, make it less special. I suppose Blaine isn't just 'other people', I mean, he's Blaine. If there was anyone who should be allowed to use it, it should be him. If there is anyone who cares about me as much as you did, besides daddy of course, it's Blaine.

It's weird because there wasn't even any discussion about him wanting to give me a pet name. He never even mentioned it afterwards. He just used it like he'd been doing it for years. I kinda liked that though, mom, the way he said it like he'd been saying it for years. I find that sometimes we're so hesitant with each other, not that I mind, but it's nice to have him do something that he's so sure of, you know. I mean, he's really cute when hesitates for that split second before he kisses me or when he blushes and shuffles his feet around afterwards. I think it makes me feel more relaxed and comfortable and safe with him because the tentativeness makes it seem like we're kinda on the same page, like we're both baby penguins.

I don't think I ever told you about that but it's sorta our thing to describe my….cautiousness towards anything physical as being a baby penguin. I suppose it's not really cautious though. It's more of a fear, possibly irrational but still definitely a fear. Anyways, I just said it one day out of frustration at my own embarrassment and it just sorta stuck. I used to hate it but now I love it when he calls me his baby penguin. It's like he finds the whole thing endearing instead of some stupid hurdle I've created in my own mind. Obviously he can't call me that when we're with friends and stuff; that would just be mortifying to explain.

But that's I like that Blaine's all shy too though because it doesn't make me feel like I'm holding him back or denying him part of a relationship. But just because we're kind of timid with the physical stuff though doesn't mean that I don't want to be close to him and feel connected to him. That's what makes it so perfect that he wanted his own little name for me so that we can have that little something. You know, just that extra touch of affection that couples get to have. We rarely even hold hands in public, mom. We just don't know who's going to see us so simply don't. So I think it's sweet that he came up with some other way of showing me how much I mean to him because sometimes we don't have any other way. I also really like that it's 'KK'. It just seems more personal then 'baby' or 'sweetheart'. He could call his next boyfriend those, not that there is going to be a next but, you know what I mean.

He hasn't even said it yet, he just texted it. I don't know how I'll react if I actually hear him say it with that soft, warm, loving tone in his voice and that adoring gaze in his eyes. I might either melt into a puddle at the sentiment or burst into tears from missing you and feeling guilty for taking it away from him because I bet he's pretty proud of himself for finding something that we can share. Either way, I'll probably explain everything to him. We haven't talked about you too much really but he always seems truly interested when we do. He seems interested in everything I say though. I do think he particularly likes hearing about you though. I think it brings it back to his childhood a bit before his parents decided to be morons. I also think I grin like an idiot when I talk about you and he likes to see me that happy.


	12. Chapter 12 : Sunshine and Lemon Drops

**A/N: So no Blainers in this one...that makes me sad….but I kinda really like it anyway so enjoy!…...those of you who are actually still reading this….  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey mom. I brought more daffodils. The other ones are still looking pretty good. I guess that's what happens when I was here only two days ago. I just needed to get out of the house. The football game is on and usually I grab a magazine or homework and sit with daddy and sorta half watch it but he invited Finn over. It's too hard to be there right now. I think I'm going to have to get used to it though because daddy seems to really like Carol…..and Finn. I can't help but feel that his original family is getting replaced with one without the defects, a wife without a history of cancer in her family and a son who isn't gay as the fourth of July, a real family that he can be proud of. It just kinda sucks.

Anyways, I think I'll go take the old ones over to the stone just behind yours. I've never seen anyone visit and there are never any flowers or pebbles or anything. It's kinda sad. I mean I know not everyone believes in an afterlife; I certainly don't but it's still sad to think that whoever it is no longer plays a significant role in their loved ones lives. I suppose that's very judgemental. I could honor you without coming here but it still looks sad. I'll be right back.

There, that looks better. Apparently your neighbour's name was Allison and she died ten years ago at the age of 88. That makes me feel better. She lived a full life, wasn't robbed of anything like you were. She got to experience all that the exciting town of Lima had to offer. I think that's what frightens me most about death, the missing things. I don't know if frightens the right word. Maybe frustrated is better. Maybe I'm just being over dramatic and naïve but I just feel so behind with everything and that there's this possibility that I'll miss out on some of life's better attributes.

I mean, look at Finn. He knows how to lead people and because he's always had this popularity due to his jock status, he's navigated through all that stupid social awkwardness and knows how to fit in and enjoy himself within a group of people. I don't know how to do that. I always feel threatened when I'm around other people, even if no one is actually threatening me, and I don't know how to get past that. He also knows what it's like to be in love and in a romantic relationship where he can show his affection for her comfortably. I've never even kissed a boy, let alone felt relaxed enough to let other people know how we felt about each other. I did kiss Brittney the other day. That was odd. I guess that's an experience that I'll have that a lot of others won't….not the kissing Brittney part, everybody's kissed her, but the kissing someone of the gender that you're not attracted too. I wouldn't fret about missing out on that though, mom. It was really rather dull and Brittney is supposedly really good at it. Or maybe she's not; maybe she's just willing so the guys are settling. I don't really know and nor do I really care for that matter.

During said kissing, I couldn't help but think that this would be the only kiss I'd ever get. Boys hate me, mom. Either they throw it in my face or just refuse to have anything to do with me. I suppose other gay boys would be different but I'm starting to think that they just don't exist. It's also hard to imagine ever receiving any sort of affection from a boy when all I've ever gotten was hate or, at best, mild uneasiness.

I'm scared of missing out on it. Aren't humans supposed to be social creatures? Isn't it our nature to seek attention and love from others of our kind? And by 'others of our kind' I of course mean other humans not others of the same gender because we all know that would simply destroy the basic foundation of these great United States, or so I've been told. You know what the sad thing is? I'm not even remotely concerned about evoking my rights as a citizen of this country to ensure myself and others after me a life of liberty and happiness. I don't care about marriage equality right now or adoption rights or even for a complete elimination of this stupid stigma. All I'm concerned about is what boy's lips taste like.

It's stupid and childish isn't it? I'm sure ever gay rights advocate is cringing because here I am, sixteen years old and all I care about are things that thirteen year old girls have managed to move past. I just want to know though. I asked Brittney and she said they tasted like her armpits. I sincerely hope that isn't the case. You would know. Daddy's probably just tasted like beer. I know you used to like beer though. I remember you used to insist that you didn't, that it was some hick drink for the unsophisticated, and then daddy would tease you relentlessly when you he caught you stealing one of his. You guys always seemed to have fun with each other. Even if you were just sitting around the house, there was always some sort of mischievous ploy to get the other to laugh. That's what I want. I don't care that I can't marry him, I just want someone who will bring the joy back, make being gay finally seem like the best thing in the world because I get to be with him instead of feeling like the worst thing and whose lips taste like sunshine and lemon drops. Yes, that is what I decided boys lips taste like. Sunshine because they're warm and soft and inviting and lemon drops because they're sweet and a little rough at first, chapped from the weather, but slick underneath with an overall refreshing kick. I'm also not going to listen to anyone tell me otherwise until I've discovered it for myself, if I ever get to experience it for myself.

I think I'd be ok with a hint of spearmint toothpaste and that chocolaty, bittersweet heaven that is a morning mocha though. However, I will not go back on the slightly weathered part. If he's known to use lip chap, I might just steal it from him. That actually does sound pretty perfect though. See, I don't have to be stuck in some preteen fantasy mindset. I can have some sense of reality and normalcy. I bet I have an even greater grasp than a lot of people. It kinda makes it all a little unfair doesn't it? But I suppose that's nothing new.


	13. Chapter 13 : But I'm Not A Soldier

**A/N: Ok so this one is again a little random but it's just another little head cannon of mine that I had to get out. I think that most people have it in their heads that Kurt is shy about taking his shirt off but I think most people assume it's because he isn't built. I've always thought is something a little different so I hope you enjoy!  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey mom. I miss you. That's probably obvious. I hope it's obvious, to you at least. I don't want to go through life simply as the sad kid whose mother died. I suppose that's better than the gay kid but still. But I want you to always know. I never want you to think I've forgotten or have become indifferent about it. I know I seem really happy sometimes and sometimes I am but I've had to condition myself to get there. I have to consciously tell myself that it's going to be ok, that just because you're not here doesn't mean it's all over, doesn't mean I can't still live. Sometimes it's definitely easier than others. I don't think it will ever feel perfect though.

That scares me a bit. I think I've become quite good at conditioning myself in a lot of ways but I don't want everything to always fell like the recreation of Passchendaele within my mind. And yes I've been re-watching your old European history documentaries again. Them Canadian boys sure know how to fight for something. Too often I feel like them though. You know, thrown blindly into this mess started by someone else and just forced to keep pushing through the front line because there's nowhere else to go. They fought because it was they're only ticket home and I'm fighting because it's my only chance at being happy and comfortable in my own skin. I guess that's a homecoming in a way. I don't want to be a soldier though. I don't want to feel invaded and threatened and torn away from everything I know. I'm just sick of having to condition myself just to get up and go to school. Mostly, I'm sick of the lasting consequences it's leaving behind.

They guys invited me to movie/sleepover night again last Friday and I went because they're fun and now that I'm back at McKinley, I don't get see Blaine as often. I also know it's important to Blaine that I get along with his friends and really, it's just a nice feel comfortable with the boys. It's not something I've ever experienced before. I still don't even feel like that around the New Direction boys. Anyways, after we finished the 'Curse of the Black Pearl' everyone decided it was PJ time and while they all just started stripping right there, I borrowed the keys to Blaine's room and went and got changed in there. It's not like anyone said anything or made a fuss over it but I just suddenly felt so out of place. One minute everything was fine and then the next, there was this jarring difference.

You know what I think all this stems from? I think it comes from conditioning myself to keep my eyes glued to the floor while in the locker room during gym class. I remember in middle school, while I was figuring this all out, being so terrified of gym because my eyes were drawn to the other guys and I didn't know why and then I started getting caught and being shoved around and yelled at. I still have that scar on my neck from being shoved into an open locker door. I tell people I fell on a pen when they ask. It was just so awful that I started berating myself for it and insisting over and over that I couldn't look, not that I was leering to begin with, because looking would make me that disgusting pervy fag that the all insisted I was. I think I've just got it so ingrained in my head now that boy's chests and backs are just as private as every other part of their bodies because glancing in the general direction of a guy with no shirt on put me straight in the line of fire.

And it's stuck, mom. It's stuck and it's even manifested itself so that I feel exposed and like I'm being leered at if I take my shirt off. I tortured myself about his for so long and now it's somehow twisted back around on me. You want to know what the worst part is though, it's that I get where they were all coming from. I don't want to be leered at. I don't want to feel watched and exposed and judged and not that I was ever doing that but it's natural to assume that putting someone in front of a half-naked person of the gender that they're attracted to will result in some looking. Isn't that why they have separate male and female changing rooms in the first place? I just hate feeling like I'm this monster.

Part of the reason I left the other night was because I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. Obviously it's ridiculous because they were fine with Blaine being there. These guys don't care. They're not morons. They get that not every gay guy is out to molest and convert them and yet I still feel the need to keep away. I suppose it's not a huge thing. I can always just get changed in the other room and keep my shirt on at the beach and pretend it's from fear of the sun. It's just it's one more thing that makes me different, one more way idiots have gotten to me, one more battle I now have to face.

I think it's going to be weird when Blaine and I reach that point where shirts come off. It's going to be weird knowing that I'm allowed to look and touch and letting him do the same. I think it might almost make it better though, you know? I bet home tasted sweeter to returning soldiers than it ever did before they left.


	14. Chapter 14 : Daddy's Little Kicker

**A/N: Hi guys! So I know I haven't updated in a while but I was lacking a little inspiration and I had school and stuff but here it is. i don't know if I captured this right. I find I'm usually able to get into kurt's head but this topic seems a little foreign to me. Anyways….i hope you like it and if you have any prompts, send them over!  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey, mom. I guess I should start by introducing you to the new kicker for the Titans. I'm not even kidding. I actually joined the football team. Normally I would say that it's kinda sad that I'm the best they could come up with but I'm actually pretty good. Finn helped me a bit. He seemed rather impressed and, I mean, he should know, he is the quarter back after all. It was nice to having someone admire my talent and actually want me on their team enough that they were willing to invest time into helping me out. He even, like, vouched for me with the guys. It didn't really work past getting me on the team though. I feel like they still all hate me and are just waiting until they can pin a loss all on me. I'm constantly on edge with them and then that, on top of the fact that I'm really not fond of football, is just kinda making me hate the whole thing. It mostly just makes me disappointed in myself though.

This whole thing is just a cover up that got taken way out of hand. Daddy just looked so disturbed and so the girls came up with this and then poof, all of a sudden it felt like I was his son again. He looked sorta proud. I don't get that look a lot these days. I'm not blaming him. I mean, I know he's not much of a feelings guy. I think he became even more closed off after you died or maybe it's just because I'm growing up and he thinks it's weird now that I'm not little anymore. I just feel so distant from him and it's awful because he's the only one I have. The house is just so depressingly quiet simply because we have nothing to talk about. I mean, I just really don't care about football and I'm too scared to really dive into anything that interests me. It's just awkward and if he's awkward now, what's it going to be like when he knows?

He's just such a boy, you know. He's like all the guys on the team. Let's face it, that's exactly who he was in high school. I keep hoping there will be something else because you fell in love with him and there's no way you would have gone for the stupid, ignorant jock. To be honest, I think I really need that guy. I get enough judgemental looks at school, enough so that I start questioning everything I do, everything I say, everything I am. I want to be comfortable at home. Well, really, I want to be comfortable everywhere like everyone else gets to be but I don't think that'll ever happen.

Do you think he's just acting this way because he's confused? Like, do you think if I told him it'd all be ok and it's just weird right now because he's trying not to push or pry? I don't know if this is just me being way too optimistic but I just feel like maybe that's it. It's like I said earlier, there's gotta be something more to him. You wouldn't have left me if there wasn't.

I don't even know how I would go about telling him. It's just so personal and I don't think we've gotten remotely personal in the past five years. There are so many implications behind the words too. I'm basically admitting that I think about boys instead of girls and I know that sounds stupid because, well duh, but I mean, no straight kid has to go to their parent and announce what they are attracted to. That's just mortifying.

There are so many stereotypes that come with this too. All those images of horny, promiscuous, drugged up men who have little to no self-worth and parade their bodies around for nothing more than a desperate, degrading romp. Those things have absolutely nothing to do with me or what I want for my future but because we live in such a close minded little town, daddy probably thinks they're true simply because he doesn't know any better. And I know that stereotypes exist for a reason, because there is some truth in them somewhere, but it actually makes me nauseas to think that that's how he would picture me, that that's how anyone would picture me. It's so far from the truth but daddy and I have been so distant that I'm not even sure if he would realize it or not.

This isn't something you can go back from either. Once that image is there, there's no erasing it. It'd suck but I could probably make it through high school without telling anyone, living in the perpetual awkward silence and never have to face the possibility of getting yelled at or kicked out or, I don't know. It's hard to imagine daddy ever doing that but you just read these horror stories on the internet all the time and I really, really don't want to be one of them.

I should probably just tell him though. I've kept this secret for so long. I guess you've kept it even longer than I have. Maybe it's stupid but I feel like knowing that you actually knew has eased the burden a bit. It's still a burden though. Sometimes I feel like it weighs me down even more than the idiots. That's probably the worst feeling, knowing that I'm holding myself back, knowing that I could ease that sickening feeling if I just manned up but not having the courage to do so. It's funny because so many people already know. Finn actually thought I was asking him to be my prom date when I approached him about joining the team. It's not like this is going to be a big shock to anyone but it still feels like this enormous, overbearing, all-consuming mass that I have to carry alone. Alone.

Alone, alone, alone. That's exactly how I feel. There's no one to turn to for help or guidance or comfort. I have to deal with all this stupid crap by myself. Even if I do tell daddy I'll still be alone because he'll still have no idea what it's like to have fight this internal war only to lose and realize that for the rest of your life you'll be scrutinized by the world because you want to hold a boy's hand instead of a girl's.


	15. Chapter 15 : I Want a Ring

**A/N: Soooooo this one is kinda based off "On My Way" but really it was inspired by that interview Chris did on the red carpet of 8 where he said he wanted a ring. I can't watch that without getting emotional and getting the need to throw men and jewelry his way. I swear the guy that scoops him up is going to be one of the luckiest guys ever. It was just so endearing. I hope the result of my fan girl emotions is worthy of his statement b/c this one is really for him.  
>lessthanthree<br>Katie**

Hey mom. How are you? I'm doing ok. I'm a little nervous; we've got regionals this afternoon. I actually can't stay very long because I need to leave myself enough time to warm up and stuff. Not that it really matters what I do. Mr. Schue still hasn't given me a solo. I kinda get it because I know my voice isn't as accessible as Blaine's or Artie's is but it still sucks sometimes.

Anyways, the real reason I came, because no, I didn't come to complain about Mr. Schue was because I've decided something. I've decided that I want to get married. I do, I really, really do. I want a husband, a man who will be by my side proudly and publicly in a way the profoundly states our love and companionship and unbreakable bond to each other.

I don't know if this comes as a shock to you or not. Honestly, it did to me. I never really cared about the marriage thing until recently. I used to be perfectly content with the thought of just having a boyfriend or 'partner' to live with and have a family with and grow old and fat and wrinkly with. We could live in a little apartment in New York and both work tirelessly at jobs we both love and then come home to each other and make dinner together and then fall asleep, curled up with him on the couch. A few months ago that was perfect. It still sounds nice and all but now there feels like there'd be something missing.

I want a ring. I want that symbolic piece of metal that simply tells the world that there is someone who loves me possibly more than I love them. I want to be able to fiddle with it when I miss him during those long days at work or when we get into some petty argument and be reminded that he'll always be there. I want something that will tie me to him forever, some physical evidence that we shared something special with each other that nobody else will get to experience.

Daddy still has your ring, you know. Before he married Carol, he wore it every day, even while they were dating. I've seen him wear it since the wedding too. He puts it on below Carol's. He does it when he misses you like on your birthday or your wedding anniversary or the day you died. I've seen him wear it on just seemingly random days here and there too. It always makes me a little sad to see him with it on because I know he's hurting and even though I know Carol understands, I bet it's hard on her sometimes too. It kinda makes me a little happy though. Maybe that's mean of me but you'll always be my mom and I like knowing that daddy still loves you and hasn't forgotten or moved on completely. Too many kids come from broken homes these days and I know that that's not the end of the world or anything but it's nice to know that I don't and that you guys would still be happily together and hopelessly in love. I know that because I can see the way daddy looks at his ring with awe and adornment and heart ache when he's wearing it.

I want that. I want the ring and I want the meaning and purpose and legality behind it. I know marriage is all symbolic and I think that's why I used to not care. It was simply a silly tradition that I had accepted I would never get to precipitate in and that was fine. Like I said though, I don't really know why but it's not fine anymore. Maybe because my best friend and my brother got engaged which, by the way, is ridiculous and makes me angrier than I possibly should be. It's just so frustrating because no one gets it. Blaine seems to get it but he's too level headed to join me in a screaming match against them. But on top of all that, seeing people close to me get excited about their impending union makes me realize how much I want that too, that excitement, that joy, that kick-off party to rest of your life, that moment of selfishness where you get to rub it in everyone's face that you were the one that snagged him. Over Sebastian and Rachel and all the girls at Crawford, Blaine chose me. It still amazes me some days and maybe it's childish but it'd be nice if our love could get the same stature as Rachel and Finn's.

I think it's seeing the change too. More and more states are legalizing it and prop 8 is going to the Supreme Court now as a human rights case. I bet daddy's already filled you in on all that. He keeps on top of those things and probably gets more excited than I do when the change happens. I think it's his way of making up for his lack of affection. Seeing places change around me though makes me not want to settle and accept anymore. I want to be a part of the new wave that gets to experience the acceptance and value and normalcy. I don't want to be part of the movement or the struggle. That was high school. I want my future to be different, you know.


End file.
